Emotionally Cheating is Still Cheating

I gave you everything & you gave my hard work to someone else. 

I do not believe in soulmates. I don’t believe that two people are “made for each other” because I believe that people are completely self-sufficient. Unless you are trying to reproduce, having a partner isn’t necessary. With modern technology, even that is questionable.

Yet, I gave you everything I had. I tried my best to be loving and generous. I put myself in situations that I wasn’t comfortable in, to begin with. You took that vulnerability and used it to your advantage. I had told you that I was cheated on in the past and you did exactly the same. You made me feel crazy for feeling alone, unwanted, and unattractive. You told me that I was crazy for caring, sharing my mind, and telling you what I felt (the good and the bad). You used my mental illness as a scapegoat for your toxic behaviors.

I did not do this. I did not make you talk to those girls. I did not push you to flirt with people I didn’t know. I didn’t make you leave. You did that to yourself. I realized I was done with the lies. I was done with making you love me but instead decided to love myself. I want to love myself more than I could ever love you. Yet, I can’t. I can’t stop thinking about how you said that I made you do this by “acting crazy”. The truth is that when you love someone, no matter how much they annoy you, make you cry, push you when you want to be still, no matter how much any of that happens, you stay. You know that their intentions are good. You make sure they always feel loved, even when you’re angry. But you didn’t do that. You ran to the next girl who could comfort you.

I can’t stop thinking about how you said that I made you do this by “acting crazy”. The truth is that when you love someone, no matter how much they annoy you, make you cry, push you when you want to be still, no matter how much any of that happens, you stay. You know that their intentions are good and make sure they always feel loved, even when you’re angry. But you didn’t do that. You ran to the next girl who could comfort you.

For this, you aren’t worthy of being with a girl like me. I’m loyal and deserve the same amount of respect. You were a mistake I made, a toxic mistake. You made me question my worth as a person, and even worse, as a woman. I stopped eating, sleeping, reading, writing. I stopped being the person I was because you didn’t like it. No more.

One day I WILL find a person who accepts me for who I am. I love hard and passionately, anything less is a waste of time. I wasn’t enough for you, but I will be enough for myself. I will be able to love myself stronger because I got over you. I will always love you & care about you, but I will not be your welcome mat anymore. I’m not here to be used and thrown away. I should be cherished for my creativity, humor, smile, passion, and generosity. ou couldn’t do that. You couldn’t handle a person loving you.

You couldn’t do that. You couldn’t handle a person loving you.

Yet, I can. I can handle someone being so madly in love with me they would never dare do anything to jeopardize my feelings for them. I’m ready to accept the love I deserve.

Being a Relationship Type Woman In a Netflix & Chill Generation

In case you haven’t noticed, this generation of twenty-something males has been abducted by horny aliens. At least that’s what I’m assuming. Between the 2 am ‘You up?’ texts and a revolving door of Tinder matches looking for some action, I’d rather just stay single.

I mean look, I like to be wined and dined. I want to know that I’m wanted for my mind and my soul. Because I’m more than just another girl you won’t cook breakfast for. Growing up I was taught that women must be careful about men’s intentions. Unfortunately, that puts all men at an arms length for the majority of the “talking” phase and rarely do they get past that. Being single for all of college and into my early twenty taught me so much more about myself. Having this time to focus on my likes/dislikes, loves, passions, friends, family, and ultimately, myself, gave me time to truly develop into a well-rounded young woman. Some would say that I missed out on development, but I disagree. I’m proud of who I am today.  Since I decided to focus on myself I found a passion for reading and journaling. Using this as an outlet, my mind has broadened and my horizons are brighter. I now know that I could never be with someone who didn’t rub my back after a stressful day, or sent me a funny picture of a corgi cause they knew I was feeling down. I couldn’t be with a person who didn’t think of those little things because those things are important to me and show that you care. I want someone who can listen, interpret, and speak; truly can communicate with me, not at me. I’m looking for someone that can understand me better than I know myself. Therefore, I’m not here for hook-ups and college shenanigans. I want something real.

Don’t ask me to ‘chill’, ask me to dinner. Let’s just sit and talk about your favorite tv shows, books, paintings, your passions and your dreams. If you let me into your mind, I promise that the one night stand you were hoping for will turn into something much better. Connection. My generation is so caught up in likes on photos that we forget about the people behind them. This ‘connection’ we’re fabricating through likes and comments is destroying our ability to actually communicate. I don’t want a guy who likes all my photos. I want someone who writes me little notes before work and understands every part of who I am, because what’s so scary about falling in love? Wanting to know these things about another person, the highs the lows? Making a lasting connection is much more valuable to me than your sad 2 am texts. Make me feel wanted and cared for. Then, just maybe, I’ll Netflix & chill with you.

 

K.

Welcome to Diagnosis 22!

I’m only 22 years old, hence, Diagnosis 22. I made this blog so that I can just write about anything I find interesting. It might be the ramblings of my mind, but it, more than likely, will be me questioning every decision I make for the next few years; and, that’s okay. I’m not supposed to know it all right now. I’m lucky that I know the things I do. I can wash clothes and check the oil in my car. I’m totally able to discuss politics, social issues, and a wide range of dog facts. I have a broad mind that is yearnin’ for learnin’. I want to know things. More things. All things. I want to experience life. 

Yet, I have no idea what the f**k I’m doing. I’m not going to school. I have a job, although it is completely unfulfilling. The highlight of my day is when my roommates are home and I can talk to someone about something with substance. I’m working as a cashier and struggling to care about a job that seems so meaningless. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have ambitions. I want to direct movies that change lives and a nice home with children. Make a difference. I want to motivate people to follow their dreams, regardless of gender, age, race, sexual orientation, religion, or social status. Yet, I’m stuck asking “how are you today?” 100x a night.

I know that dreams aren’t achieved overnight. I understand that not everyone is leading the same path. I have no fear of that. In fact, being different from my peers is a good thing to me. I don’t want to have a child, husband, and a suburban home at 25. And it’s fine if you do. But I want to travel, spend my weekends, weeks, months, years finding out everything about what is around me. Even in my back yard. Drink my way through every local pub & restaurant. Dance until early morning with my friends. Hike mountains and trails.

I’m young and capable, with nothing but time on my hands.

So, let’s discover what life holds before it runs away; grow old with experience and not in years. 

Welcome to Diagnosis 22! 

K..xx

Growing Pains

I’m not talking about the mid-80’s television show, I’m talking about the pain that comes from growing up..

There is a secret that no one told you as a child. Being an adult is a trap. Rely on your parents a long as possible. Bills suck. Boys suck. Life is really full of sucky things. When you’re a kid, grown-ups are cool cause they get to do what they want. They don’t have bossy parents and they can eat ice cream whenever they want. Although at 22 that’s basically the same, being 22 does have some downfalls.

Continue reading “Growing Pains”